while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
