That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
