phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
