That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
