Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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