ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
