Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
