im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
