I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
