I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
