From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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