I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
