mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
