I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
