Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This is the high leading the old right now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
