My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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