True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am mentally ready for anal.
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