I got chris browned last night
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
