hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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