Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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