I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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