Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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