I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
