so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
