So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
