You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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