I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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