my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
