Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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