now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
