R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
pray to the hookup gods
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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