She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
