all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
