Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
