Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
