When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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