Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
