Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize