He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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