you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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