apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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