i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
