how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize