I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
