That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
