Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
