True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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