if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
