I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
