My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
