I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
