Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
