i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
