she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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