Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
