I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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