a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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