RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i will never coherently bang her
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
