lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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