I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
