Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i will never coherently bang her
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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